How to boil an egg in 2019; 16 easy steps

Is there any protein purer and more egglike than an egg?  Maybe, I’m not sure, BUT eggs are great boiled and done other ways too.  The new year brings new beginnings and steadfastness for change.  As you may know, doing really simple things like making rice alluded me for many years.  Sometimes doing a really simple thing can be hard to do properly so I have been making an effort to tackle these tasks with the unmaintainable enthusiasm of a New Years resolution. Here we go. Let’s boil an egg.

  1. Do you have any eggs? Get some eggs if you don’t have any.
  2. While you are looking for a pot, reassess your alcohol consumption.
  3. Once you have found a pot, rinse it with good-intention rich water.  This is water that comes from a filter jug or the tap but NOT the toilet.  The toilet water is last-year water and you are making a fresh start.
  4. Once you have your pot ready, fill it with 1 inch of cold water.  Set it aside while you stare at the wall and think about the phone bill.  It’s too expensive and yet you can’t imagine a way in which to reduce it.  Think about calling the provider and feel the cool, crest-fallen waves of apathy wash over you.  Forget that you are boiling an egg and check Facebook for 20 minutes instead.   
  5. Once you awaken from the Facebook-zombie scroll, experience the fervent and directionless urgency to act on something. Remember the egg; return to pot.
  6. Place eggs into the cold inch of water and bring it to a boil over medium heat. 
  7. While you are waiting, open Netflix and resume binge-watching ‘Tidying Up; with Marie Kondo’.  Vow to reduce your wardrobe by 50%.  Gather items that do not spark joy into a blue Ikea bag and set aside. 
  8. Realise the water has been boiling for an unknown length of time.  Cover and remove from heat.  Set aside for 8-10 minutes. 
  9. Now is a great time to contemplate whether there should be 1 or 2 spaces after a typed sentence. 
  10. Get started on sober January by pumping up your mind with helpful slogans and supportive thoughts.  When you realise there is one glass of wine left in a bottle on the counter, decide that you are taking a European approach to things and drink this last glass at 2 pm. Now you are ready for sober January. 
  11.  Remember the eggs?  Drain the cooking water and replace the eggs in a bowl of ice water until fully cooled.  They are basically done.
  12. Make a to-do list.  The list should include items from the previous 10 to do lists that only contain one achievement.  Replace this achieved task with 6 more tasks.  Feel overwhelmed by this new list and decide to lie down on the floor.
  13. Pretend to do yoga by rolling around on the floor.  Decide its time to vacuum.
  14. Remember eggs.  Drain the ice water and put the bowl in the fridge.   Regret that you told everyone you were doing sober January. 
  15. Realise you are only human and that you are the master of your destiny. Come full circle to appreciate everything with renewed vigor.
  16. Peel and enjoy your eggs.  

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