Can you believe how stupid and afraid I’ve been acting about rice?

Let’s get serious.  Are you so stubborn that you will deliberately not learn a really basic thing so that you can stay afraid of it, while at the same time continue to do it incorrectly so that you can feel truly baffled by its utter failure to change in its outcome?  That’s how I am with rice.

I just felt so helpless at rice time.  But not anymore cabrones! I got it and I will tell you exactly what to do.  If you are not ready to learn this or if you own a rice cooker, you can go back to shopping for buttholes. This is a safe place without judgment for you other losers who never learned to cook rice in a pot.  You are gonna shine!


pot with a tight-fitting lid (I like the cast iron variety)

good quality rice (Basmati, jasmine and brown all work well with this method; not sushi rice.   No no no … it’s bad for that)

water (fresh kind)

butter (looooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve you butter)

salt and pepper sprinkle

vinegar (A thimble full added to the water will prevent the rice from sticking together and no one will taste it once the rice is cooked.  Incredible! It. Works. Use white wine or apple cider kind.)

Saffron (one spriggle of this stuff will color and flavor the rice in a delicate yet delicious way.  Star anise and cardamom do a nice job of infusing some exotical flavorings for meals with curry.)

Cautionary preface; Don’t open the lid to peek inside. DO NOT DO IT.  Forget all the lies you’ve been told about stirring it or worries you’ve got about burning it.  Once that rice goes in the water leave it in there and no peaking. Never forget this.  Never.

Debatably, you gotta have that 1:1.5 rice to water ratio. Let’s use 1 cup rice to 1.5 cups water.  Many recipes will call for 1:1 3/4 cup rice to water ratio.  I mistakenly used a 1:2 ratio last night and no one died from that so I guess there is some slight flexibility.

Water goes into the pot, and we are adding salt and pepper, butter, saffron and the thimble of vinegar.

Rince the rice in COLD WATER in a sieve before adding to the water.

Stir the rice in here to the water containing all goodness and mix it nice like.  Put the pot on the heat, cover with the tight fitting and bring it to a boil.  Set the timer for 20 mins – from the minute the rice hits the water.  Let it get to a boil (approximately 5 minutes of the total time) then reduce heat to the lowest temperature, cooking here for a total of 15 mins.

Let it sit in the pot covered for an additional 5-10-15 mins to steam it (depending on the vibe you get when you do a quick check to make sure things didn’t get weird. This also releases the ‘stuck to the bottom bits’ which are a delicacy in some houses.

Tip: No peeking!!  

If for some reason an idiot uncovers the rice or stirs it before you’re done cooking it, carry on cooking it until the end of the timer, then place a folded towel over the saucepan, replace the lid, and set aside off the heat. The towel will absorb excess moisture and condensation, helping prevent overcooked and mushy rice.  But just don’t peek and don’t let anyone else do it.  You CAN give it a stir once you’ve let it steam for 5 minutes after the cook time is completed.  It should be fluffy and right.

I believe in you.



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